Can I borrow $100,000 dollars, please?

Dear Person With a Lot of Money,

Can I please borrow a hundred thousand dollars and not pay you back? Please circle your answer.

YES         NO       MAYBE

Mrs. B

You guys, I’m sad today. I shouldn’t be, but screw it, I’m moping like a little bitch. Today is exactly two weeks before I have to return to the daily workforce. In only 14 short days, I’ll be waking up at 6 a.m. to feed my little girl, throw her to my husband or mother-in-law and jump on my bike and head to a gruesome 9 hours where I’ll be shoved back into a corporate mold and forced to miss my family. Ok, drama queen much? Well. Today, I am. I’ve officially cried 4 times in the last 5 hours and stopped myself from crying 3 other times. I popped a placenta pill to help my hormones out, but my heart is just heavy today.

I never would have thought that this mommy gig would be so damn awesome. Seriously, I never really thought I’d be cut out to be a mom up until late last year, and even then I was hesitant and worried I wouldn’t dig it. At the most I figured I’d squat a baby out, put it on the boob for a couple months and before the 12 weeks was even up, I’d be so bored I’d be begging to return to my job. I’m a career girl. I have a crap-ton of passion, ample drive, a buttload of motivation and I will not stop till I succeed in everything I do. Which is how I was able to score a fresh good paying job when I was 6 months pregnant and also scored a couple freelance gigs on the side to bring in a little more cashflow. The last month of my pregnancy I was keeping busy updating 3 blogs, working 40 hours a week and coming home to work countless hours on my freelance projects. All the while decorating the nursery and pushing my hubby to finish up some house and yard projects. Needless to say, I thrive when I’m busy. But this mommy biz has shined a much needed light into my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been crazy busy every day for the last three months, but it’s a different kind of busy. And holy shit am I going to miss it.

Every morning I pick up my hungry little baby and lay her beside me so she can feed. There’s no rushing, there’s no “oh shit, I gotta be at work in 20 minutes and I haven’t showered in 3 days” freak-outs. Even though I’m groggy and haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep in months, I welcome her bright eyes and little fingers crawling across me while she has her breakfast. I lay there petting her hair and tiny hands, and nothing else matters. I don’t think about who’s emailing me or what projects I have to start/work on/finish. When she cries, I don’t think about anything other than patting her on the back and soothing her. My mind is calm and I am present. Stella is the best mindful practice I’ve ever had. She’s a constant reminder that all I have is now. She’s the most beautiful piece of artwork that I’ve ever created. For the past couple months, I’ve enjoyed every single day with her. Even through the bloody nips, blown out diapers, screaming fits and will-she-just-go-to-sleep-so-I-can-get-a-break times, I never thought “this blows, get me out of here.” If anything, my compassion and patience levels have skyrocketed since becoming a mom.

I’ve been blessed to have 3 months maternity-leave from work. I worked my ass off to save up so I can have this time off with her, and I’m so thankful I had the opportunity to do so. I guess what I’m saying is, I need to find someone that will give me a hundred thousand dollars so I don’t have to work till she’s in preschool. I think I could make a hundred thousand last for a couple years, right? Maybe I should ask for a couple hundred thousand. Do any of you know anyone that’s looking for a new mom to give a buttload of money to? :-\

How do full-time working moms do it? How am I supposed to go to work for 40+ hours a week and not be home with my little girl? I have a feeling it’s gonna totally suck… Advice? Thoughts? What’s your experience?


9 thoughts on “Can I borrow $100,000 dollars, please?

  1. It sucks, and you will cry. But it does get easier. And I would imagine it’s easier still if she’s with your husband or MIL – I had met Wesley’s caregivers exactly once before I had to leave him with them for nine hours.:/

    You can do it though. Truly. It’s one of those things that’s kind of horrible but you just… do it. And Stella will be just fine!

    I dunno… This dilemma is a big reason why I am such a big supporter of paid maternity leave in the US, and a LONG paid leave, like a year. Or at least six months, so more babies can be exclusively breastfed for that long. Like, it sucks that you and I were “lucky” to get 12ish weeks. It’s totally not long enough.

  2. My heart goes out to you. Let the tears flow and accept your grief. It will abide once you get into a routine, difficult tho that may be. You probably won’t take comfort in knowing that this is harder on you than it will be on Stella. Take each day an hour at a time and try not to project into what you’re missing. Lay your clothes out before you go to bed. Make your lunch and have it ready in the fridge. Set your alarm early enough to savor that special morning time with your precious babe and know that she’ll be back in your arms at day’s end. Stella will thrive and eventually, so will you. XO

  3. I feel your pain! When my maternity leave was three weeks shy of being over, I literally told my husband that I refused to go back to work yet. I extended my leave another three and a half months, and only went back because if I didn’t, we were going to start falling seriously behind on bills.

    I won’t lie to you. Going back is heart-wrenching and terrible. You’ll hate it, and you’ll cry, and you’ll feel like a terrible mother. You’ll miss your baby so much that it hurts, and you’ll never want to leave.

    But I can also tell you it gets a tiny bit easier as time goes on and you both adjust. I went back about three and a half months ago, and it has gotten easier. It’s harder some days than others.

    Are you going to keep breastfeeding? I gave up on it when I went back to work, but I wish I hadn’t.

  4. I wish I had a hundred thousand dollars for you. If you do end up finding someone who will give you some, can you mention that I could use a few thousand myself too?:)

    It’ll be rough, but you’ll get through it. You’ll adjust into a schedule that works best for all of you. It’s constantly changing too, so you never know what the future will hold!

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